Have you ever wanted to tell a crawfish joke but just couldn’t think of one? Well, today’s not just Crawfish Day at Nicholls, it’s your “lucky” Crawfish Day. Everyone should keep a good, healthy repertoire of crawfish jokes at hand.

Of course, they work better at mouth, so I guess if you lick your fingers (like you might after eating crawfish), then you’ll be in good shape.

The reason why you should keep crawfish jokes at mouth – at the tip of your tongue, really – is because crawfish are always telling jokes about you.

You may not realize this because your ears can’t detect the high-pitched crustacean screams of laughter, but crawfish boils are not just fun times for humans.

Just like purging mud out their systems before you cook them, crawfish like to purge their pent-up sarcasm against human predators before they’re boiled to death.

Like the one my grandma was once told, “Hey, Lady! Have you just molted or are you always that wrinkled?” Or to my queasy cousin, “See that dark stripe down my tail? Know what that is?” Or to my little brother, “Look! I got two whiskers, too!” Or to me when I went to a dermatologist, “Man, I thought I was red and scaly!”

After thousands of these snide crawments, those ten-legged, self-cannibalizing, mud-tunneling bugs deserve to be the subject of jokes. Or maybe just a few punch lines. In this case, they’re actually pinch-lines.

Nevertheless, here are a few lines that we hungry predators can use in retaliation or simply just for fun.

Remember well, however, that crawfish jokes can never be considered “lame” because crawfish have ten legs.

What’s the difference between a crayfish and a crawfish? -Out-of-state students tend to misspell and mispronounce one of them.

Little Johnny Crawfish raised a claw in class. “May I go to the bathroom?” he asked. Crawprofessor replied, “Gee wiz, crawkid! Your classroom is a mud tunnel. It’s all a bathroom!” “That explains everything,” Johnny replied.

How many crawfish does it take to change a light bulb? -Seven: Six to spin the slippery light bulb and one to build the mud tower. In addition, if the mud is wet, twenty more to serve as replacements.

Why does Michael Jackson love crawfish? -They speak softly, they walk backwards, they reproduce externally, and they can’t sue.

What do crawgirls find sexy in a crawboy? -Nice antennae, pretty eye stalks, and a ten-pack.

What do crawboys find sey in a crawgirl? -Nice antennae, pretty eye stalks, and a ten-pack.

Why do crawparents eat their young? -Because TOPS doesn’t cover every thing.

Why do so many crawfish major in math, business, science, humanities, education, engineering, and nursing? -The only other option is culinary arts.

When Sam and Frodo finally make it inside Mount Doom, Gollum emerges and says, “Hey! Water’s ready. Anybody bring the Zatarain’s?”

When Sam and Dave finally make it inside recording studio, an engineer emerges from the back yard holding a sack of crawfish and asks, “Hey! Water’s ready. Anybody bring the Zatarain’s?” Remembering that he always kept a bottle in the car, Sam replied, “Hold on! I’m comin’!”

How can you tell a male crawfish from a female crawfish? -They respond to tail-pinching differently.

Why don’t crawfish hold their own crawfish boils? –They’re trying to let the antibiotic ointment dry.

What’s the difference between a crawfish and a professor? -Not much.

Why don’t you see Louisiana crawfish in a supermarket tank with rubber bands around their pincers? -Because they’re not big and stupid.

What do Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and crawfish all have in common? -They all tuck tail and scurry backwards when confronted by Simon Cowell.

What do crawfish and compound sentences have in common? -At least two clawses.

What’s the best thing to do with crawfish peelings? -Keep them under your pillow so that the crawfairy can fill them up again.

If you hold a crawfish shell up to your ear, you can hear the pond. Of course, you’ll never know where all the yellow stuff came from.

A couple of shriveled, recently molted crawfish were filling up with water. One said, “Can you believe that humans inject botox for this?”

Why is the stuff inside the head of the crawfish so tasty? –That’s where the gonads and liver are-it’s basically potted crawmeat.

What was Hanks Williams thinking he wrote the lyric “crawfish pie”? -He was contemplating the circumference-diameter ratio of a circle, which, as Cher-a-mio suggested, could be conveniently approximated at 3.14.

Crawdad takes Crawbaby for a walk across the marsh. Soon, they spot a big grasshopper. “What’s dat?” crawbaby asks. “Just a bug,” says Crawdad. “It won’t hurt you.” A couple of feet farther along, they spot a nutria. “What’s dat?” crawbaby asks. “Just a rat,” says Crawdad. “It won’t hurt you.” After another few feet, Crawdad urgently grabs crawbaby by a claw and drags him back to the tunnel as fast as his multiple walking legs can take them. Crawbaby looks back and says, “What’s dat?” Pale and terrified, Crawdad replies, “It’s a Nicholls student, and it’s a Thursday in spring!