In this the first column of the new semester, I know how not to greet you. I’m aware that there’s a culture of you out there who abhor the phrase, “Welcome Back!” especially when it’s followed by an over-enthusiastic exclamation point like a cheerleader on the losing side of a 56-0 football game who urges you to “get into the spirit” when it’s somebody else’s spirit.So, instead of ruffling the red and gray pom-poms of your psyche, which, like mine, has been rudely awakened from summering, I’ll try the greeting, “Kcab Emoclew?” Besides being the abhorrent phrase spelled backwards, “Kcab Emoclew” is Saxon term from the Fifth Century, meaning, “Hey, we’re about to invade Britain. Did we take everything we need?” Note how the ending punctuation of this greeting has the curvature of a prototypical cheerleader without all the fussiness.
So, now that you’ve invaded Thibodaux, did you take everything you need?
I’ll bet not. The things you really need are not simply the obvious mop and bucket, microwave, two-cubic foot fridge, and assorted rolls of tissues. What you really need are things that make you so cool and so prepared for your invasion of college that you can forget about your psychic pom-poms at least until your 10-year high school class reunion.
Like coffee supplies. Even if you don’t drink the stuff, having coffee and a coffee maker at college is a status symbol. It shows everyone that you’ll go the extra hour to achieve your goal, even if it means someone else has to drive you home. Besides, some coffee packages have pictures of Columbia and other South American countries, which will help you in your world geography class. You can also find coffee cups with useful collegiate information, like the Periodic Table, anatomical charts, and the lyrics to “Louie, Louie.” And, if you keep the hot plate on “off,” even a small carafe can make a cozy and inexpensive bowl for that neon tetra that your roommate no longer wants to feed.
And don’t forget potted meat (a small can for emergencies or a larger can if you tend to get the desperate munchies late at night). Now available at Walmart Super Centers just in time for the semester’s start, you can get a pack of six in dark blue Armour-Star shrink wrap depicting useful serving suggestions. Be careful not to feed potted meat to your roommate’s former pet fish: Despite physical similarities, potted meat does not contain the mechanically-separated salmon tripe, partially defatted flounder eyes, and desiccated mosquitoes that are essential parts of a tropical fish’s diet.
Single-malt scotch is several steps up from your favorite beer, but having a fifth or two on hand is a good idea. But it’s not directly for you: Chances are the professor of the class you’re performing poorest in probably drinks scotch. Buy it now and let it age in a cool, dark place until finals in December. You should keep the scotch away from the fish, too.
Your contemporaries may get body piercings as fashion statements. But, now that you’re a college student, you can get one for a more important reason (as an excellent place to hang your USB flash drive). But not just any location will do because, as a computer accessory, the drive must be kept cool and dry. So, outside of cold and flu season, the nose is the best place. You’ll never leave your assignments at home (unless you want to) if you dangle that dongle from your nostril. Of course, you’re parents will be upset about it, but that’s because they still use 3.5″ diskettes.
Get a second mop and keep this one way from the dirty floors and chemical cleaners. The second mop is for you to dance with when you get lonely. Avoid the sponge mop variety because you can’t run your fingers through its hair.
A white lab coat and goggles have many uses beyond keeping you clean and safe in biology and chemistry labs. The goggles alone will allow you to bicycle to class during this fall’s upcoming lovebug season; of course, at high speeds you must still keep your mouth closed. The lab coat alone can double as a shower robe or shower curtain, but remember to remove the ink pens from the pockets first. Worn together for fun, you can visit dorms or apartments where people don’t recognize you and pretend to be a health inspector ordering everyone to evacuate. Finally, the combo is a fun and inexpensive costume for Halloween, and the lab coat will even reflect car headlights for your safety while you’re pandering for candy.
Kleenex, Lysol spray, Robitussin syrup, and a thermometer are good to have on hand, not only for when you catch a cold or flu. When you’re breathing fine and not hocking, keep the box of Kleenex opened with a few crumpled tissues surrounding the box. Smear some Robitussin around the lip and cover of its bottle. Keep these items near your valuables– money, snacks, homework– and your roommate will be thinking twice when the fever to take your stuff comes around. For added discouragement, avoid getting the common blue- or red-tipped varieties of thermometer; instead, get a green- or brown-tipped version, and your roommate will freak not knowing where it’s been measuring heat.
The Saxons always forgot things because they could not read or write. This really perturbed their pom-poms. Rather than sail back, they had to sack villages for the stuff they forgot. This was an effective strategy because they couldn’t read the maps they had stolen from the Angles and the Jutes anyway. You, on the other hand, can write lists and you can figure out your way back to your college home from Walmart. You can use that cash your grandpa palmed you when you told him goodbye(the cash you should be keeping next to a green-tipped thermometer.
So, if you have not thought of these items already, there’s still a little time before the invasion must be called off (i.e., the last day to drop classes without receiving a W). These items will surely keep your psyche cool and prepared.
At least for ten years.
What if you have a five-year reunion? Graduate in four, and you won’t need pom-poms.
