Over the past few days, I have endeavored to find people in positions of power on campus who visually resemble internationally known people of power. I am happy to report to all of you today that this university is well fed.
It has been said that Dr. Donald J. Ayo, our esteemed University President, is really Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s.
“I think, you know, both Dave and I are in public service in some way, and we try to deliver an excellent product,” Ayo said.
“I think the Nicholls faculty and administration deliver an excellent product to the students, and, hopefully, we will continue to have the customers like Dave has, although we don’t have the advertising budget like he has, unfortunately.”
I asked Ayo what he thought about having a Civil War general on his staff.
“Probably, that’s an excellent stereotype,” Ayo said about Purchasing Director Mike Davis’s resemblance to Ulysses S. Grant.
“Hmm. I’m not quite sure what he meant by that,” Davis said.
“I’m sure that he meant that as General Grant was a great leader – I’m sure that’s what he was trying to insinuate – that I must also be a great leader. I certainly hope that’s what he was insinuating,” Davis said.
Despite Ayo’s apparent endorsement, Davis isn’t totally comfortable with the comparison.
“Being a true Southerner, I don’t know if I’m thrilled to death about being compared to a Yankee general.”
When I told him that Ayo was really Dave Thomas, Davis had a revelation.
“That now explains the work order I got from the president’s office. Evidently, he’s installing a drive-up window by his office,” Davis said.
Davis and Ayo feel secure on campus, since our police chief Grady Morris resembles a professional boxer.
“I think I look better than George Foreman. Yeah, my wife does, too. I asked her,” Morris said.
“When people would see me, they would say, ‘You know, you look like George Foreman.’ So, I asked my wife, ‘Do I look like George Foreman?’ She said, ‘No, baby, you look better than George Foreman.’ So, she gave the perfect answer.”
I asked Davis how he felt about having a police chief who is a boxer with an advertising contract for cooking equipment.
“That probably now explains the work order we got to install some vent hoods back there,” Davis said.
“We couldn’t quite understand why University Police needed vent hoods, but now we realize he’ll be doing a lot of cooking during the day. Hopefully, he’ll be able to feed the maintenance crews.”
Morris had his own opinion about Davis and his historical look-alike.
“You know, Ulysses Grant was a heavy drinker. Grant was a brilliant man, but he was competent enough to put a bunch of intelligent people around him to complement whatever his fallacies may be,” Morris said.
After what Ayo had said about Grant being an “excellent stereotype” for Davis, I asked Morris if he thought Davis resembled Grant.
“I would tend to agree with Dave Thomas on that,” Morris said. “I would agree that it’s an excellent comparison.”
But, Davis told me he is keenly aware of Grant’s strengths and weaknesses.
“I’m aware of General Grant’s reputation as a great general and a good president, and, certainly, those are attributes I would like to be able to continue. However, I also know he was heavy drinker and a big smoker,” Davis said.
I quickly responded saying that Grant actually rarely drank and that history gives him an unfair reputation as an alcoholic.
“But, the reputation is that,” Davis said. “So, certainly I want people to know that I’m not the big drinker and big smoker like President Grant. Although I may look like him a little bit, the comparison should stop there.”
However, Morris hopes the comparison extends to Davis having the same zeal in processing purchasing orders that Grant had when he pursued Robert E. Lee to Appommatox.
“Well, you know, police officers really need a new training camp,” Morris said.
“We are overcrowded. We can’t do our workouts right. So, what I’ve actually put in to Ulysses Grant is a need for a training academy.
“If we’re going to protect the product, we’ve got to have the essential tools. Right now, we’re doing okay, but we need more space.”
Morris figures that since Grant could train his Army so successfully, he should be able to help train the police force.
“Boy,” Morris chuckled in a low voice, “Mike is going to cream me.”
With Dave Thomas providing burgers to everyone, and George Foreman providing grills, one could only conclude that people at Nicholls are well fed.
“They are,” Morris said. “They’re well fed. Believe me. He’s in charge of everything. He’s in charge of maintenance, custodians. They can eat anything they want to eat.”
Still, Davis expects more from Morris.
“I’m hoping the chief would give me a good price on grills,” Davis said.
Morris is protecting the campus Davis maintains, but, I told Davis that, as Ulysses S. Grant, he is protecting the country Morris calls home.
“That’s correct,” Davis said. “We should be working hand-in-hand on this. If he’s able to cook me some good meals, I might be able to slip him some cigars and a good fifth of whiskey. How’s that?”
Or, I suggested, when he becomes President Grant, he can set aside a position in his administration for Morris.
“Yeah, but he needs to fix my boxing facility first,” Morris said.
Hopefully, the general and the boxer can resolve their differences. At least the man in charge is popular with Morris.
“I like working for Dave Thomas. He has some excellent marketing skills. He’s a true leader. Now, General Grant, until he gets my training facility right, I’m going to start withholding my grills from him, and he won’t be able to feed his army until he gets my facility right,” Morris said.
“He’s depending on my grills.”
In spite of (or, perhaps, because of) the differences these men have, it seems this University is in good shape.
With people like the gruff Ulysses S. Grant and the tough George Foreman working under the direction of a jolly old man like Dave Thomas, I think we are in great shape at this university. All we need now is a University rule for free Frosties for all students.
