Mr. Perfect and I started off…well…perfect. However, while I knew giving love a second try with him would be difficult, I didn’t realize just how difficult it would be. People going for round two with an old flame often experience a common struggle. They are worried they will get hurt again and want to voice that concern but don’t want their significant other to misconstrue that anxiety for neediness. I admit, that in most relationships, it’s a bit freaky for one person to sit the other down for the much-dreaded “where is this relationship going?” talk after only a week of hanging out.

But let’s face it. My relationship with Mr. Perfect was different, and we’ve all been there before. While this was a new relationship, it wasn’t new at all. This wasn’t my first walk in the park with this guy. So when he said he wanted to “see where things go,” after everything we’d been through, it was a bit too late for that. He already knew where it was going-he’d been there already. The question was whether he liked it there.

What was worse was that after several weeks, the relationship still hadn’t progressed from hand-holding and quick pecks on the lips to something more intimate and physical. As a person trying to “take things slow,” I, for one, become a bit turned off by the fact that we weren’t taking things slow at all. We were going backwards. (And at that rate, it probably would have taken decades for us to even sleep together. No thank you.)

I’m not going to lie to you. I always loved Mr. Perfect, but the truth is I love myself much more. So when he started using some of the shady lines and excuses people often use when they are afraid to commit, I saw through them right away.

“Let’s take things slow.” Slow? Are you serious? You’re cruising on the freeway at 100 mph one minute, top down, enjoying the sunlight, only to find the jackass in front of you decides to slam on his brakes. That’s what it feels like when someone says, “Let’s take things slow.” I don’t know how much slower we can go without banning telephone and face-to-face communication and calling each other “buddy” and “pal.”

“I called you, but it went straight to your voicemail.” Oh, really? I’ve been meaning to get that fixed. My phone frequently goes straight to voicemail when lying jerks call me, and I have no idea why. Perhaps next time you should leave an invisible message to go with your invisible phone call, and I will be sure to get back to you.

“I want to be with you, but now isn’t the right time.” The right time? Please-tell me when would be a good time for you. Would you like to pencil me in next year around March, say the 5th at 5 p.m.? Would that be good for you? Or should we wait until the stars align in the perfect formation so that we can finally be together? While we’re at it, let’s wait for world peace. Because, believe me, I would never want to be in a relationship until it was an absolutely perfect time for you.

“I’ve got a lot going on right now.” Like what? Working nights and playing Rock Band on the weekends? Is life seriously that stressful for you? I cannot believe that I, with my five classes and two jobs, had the audacity to think that I was busy and stressed out. I’m so sorry I caught you at a bad time. Would you prefer to collect retirement first? I bet things will slow down for you then.

“I just got out of a serious relationship.” As much as I would love to believe you, I have a feeling you’re more invested in the relationship you have with yourself than you are in any relationship you could possibly share with another human being. And that is a serious relationship I don’t think you’ll ever get out of.

“I think we should just be friends.” What does this mean to you, exactly? Do you expect us to hang out and make out like “friends with benefits” often do? Or should I grab a keg and my jersey and join the guys for football on Sunday? I’ve been wanting to spend a day yelling at the TV and burping annoyingly loud.

“I love you so much as a person.” Thank you so much for clearing that up because for a minute there, I thought you loved me as a tree. Now I really feel special. You must have been speaking to my mom lately because she tells me the exact same thing.

“You deserve so much better.” Oh my God! The heavens have opened! I think that is the first smart thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. Thank you, Captain Obvious, for pretending you realized that.

“I never meant to hurt you.” So what did you mean to do, exactly? Wait, don’t tell me. I know this one. You meant to come in and sweep me off my feet, make me fall in love with you and then walk away without leaving a scar. The hurting thing was completely unintentional-just an unexpected by-product of your master plan.

“It’s not you; it’s me.” Of course it’s you. You want to take things slow, but you’ve got a lot going on. You want to be with me, but now isn’t the right time. You want to be friends, yet I deserve so much better. Sounds like you can single-handedly ruin your chances at a successful relationship. You don’t need my help.

Any of this sounds familiar? Face it-if someone has used any of these excuses and you haven’t given up yet, you are drowning in denial. People often try to test what they can get away with in relationships. When someone says he wants to see how things go and you respond by saying, “Yes, master,” go buy yourself a bottle and climb deep inside it because you’re never getting out.

Before you know it, your significant other will be doing what he wants, when he wants, and you will have absolutely no say in any of it. The only way out is to stand up for what you want in a relationship and let him know that you are who you are, in all your luminous splendor. He may not like it, but at least it will show him that you value yourself, consequently making him respect you a hell of a lot more in the end (and this goes for both sexes).

The bitter truth: if a person wants to be with you, he will make it happen. If he doesn’t call, it’s not because he was busy; it’s because he was too busy for you. If he can’t come over, it’s not because he has other plans; it’s because other plans are more important than you. And if he says he needs to take things slow, it’s because he’s simply not ready to commit.

So don’t wait to be accepted (poeple accept puberty) or liked (people like alcohol). Wait to be adored. Because if someone adores you and wants you more than anything, he will do everything in his power to make it happen. No excuses.