As much as we like to deny that love can survive without sex, let’s face it. It can’t. For couples who have sex, it becomes as much a factor in the relationship as trust, fidelity and communication. When any one of these fails, the relationship is most likely failing right along with it. So when the sex stops-or at least becomes so scarce that you’ve seen more action on a Sunday morning in church-something is wrong.It usually starts with neglect. You simply forget about the passion. You become so busy with school, work and other responsibilities that it completely slips your mind that you and your partner haven’t shared an intimate moment in weeks.

Next comes avoiding sex altogether. You suddenly have your period 18 days out of the menstrual calendar (that’s the story, and you’re sticking to it). Naturally, the other 10 days are already filled with study nights and overtime at work, leaving you booked solid and, consequently, sexless in the first place.

And, if he’s feeling the same, he simply forgets to buy condoms or acquires some contagious illness that kicks in right before bedtime and resolves itself overnight, just in time for football Sunday. Whatever the reason, you (or both of you) begin to come up with excuses to shun sexual intimacy altogether.

And when you actually do have sex, you have to focus on something or someone else (Justin Timberlake, think Justin Timberlake) just to get through the deed. The whole thing seems more like some physical sacrifice than it does an act of passion.

Where did it go? When did you lose it? You used to have to practically glue yourselves a safe distance away from each other just to keep your hands off one another. Suddenly, pursuing sex has become this dreadful game of hide-and-seek in which you hide and hope he doesn’t find you. Because once you’re it, you know what that means (“Crap! I’m really not in the mood!”).

Naturally, lack of sex in a relationship that once strived on physical contact can cause both a physical and emotional barrier to form between two people. For Mr. Big and me, it was simply the snowflake that caused the avalanche, resulting in the downfall of our relationship.

We fought, and we argued, and we cursed, and we cried, and we yelled and we pointed fingers. As the arguing grew more intense, the sex became more of a distant memory.

Finally, a time came when I stopped and wondered what I was holding on for. At first, I told myself walking away meant being a coward and a quitter. I desperately wanted to make it work because fixing it meant being successful, for once, at a relationship.

But sometimes, things cannot be fixed. Sometimes, what takes even more courage is being mature enough to realize when two people are trapped in something that will never work and being strong enough to walk away from it.

I’ve said before that I tend to evaluate men for relationship possibilities before I date them (“Is he datable? Can I see a future with him?”). And I said I never had to do that with Mr. Big. Now I realize I did. I just did it a bit too late.

Once the sex stopped and the passion fled, leaving us in a relationship based on anger and resentment, I stopped to think about my future with Mr. Big for the first time, and I realized I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone for the rest of my life if I had to wake up every morning forcing a smile. He and I both deserved better than that.

So after a constant back-and-forth and too many not-so-rousing games of hide-and-seek, I ended things with Mr. Big. Yes, he loved me more than anyone else ever did. Yes, he would have given his life for me. Yes, he wanted more than anything to make things right. But the fact is, I couldn’t imagine us 70 years old, sipping coffee on the front porch, going deaf and blind but still going strong.

So the search continued…

…Wait a minute. I still didn’t sign my divorce papers?