Graduating seniors, as I have for the past few years, I reserve the column of this last Nicholls Worth of the spring semester in homage to you. Instead of offering you advice for the future, or suggesting how to best to spend your long-awaited graduation day and of reminding you about the people who got you to this glorious point, I’ll help you derive an answer a simple question: What has college actually done for you? What ingredients has Nicholls mixed into the recipe of your being?
Instead of simply making a list of these things, I think it’s much more meaningful and memorable to answer through metaphor.
For some people, life’s metaphors derive from messages inside fortune cookies or from spoonfuls of alphabet soup. For others, life is like a box of chocolates. I believe those answers can be found on the back label of a can of potted meat.
Read the ingredients of a can of potted meat, and you’ll soon come to realize the meaning of each ingredient both you and the potted food product have been bestowed.
When you began your journey as a freshman, you were afraid of everything-evil professors, territorial librarians, aggressive fee collectors and parking ticket writers on a bounty hunt. Just like potted meat manufacturers with byproducts of chicken butchery, college has forced your bones with attached edible meat under high pressure through a straining device to create a paste-like product that can be molded to its container. Now, with at least 120 credit hours of high pressure and strain, you are empowered with courage and an aluminum container to go out into the world without being repressed you when you began the journey.
Beef Tripe-Like – the infamous byproduct of bovine butchery, a byproduct of your college experience is “guts”-the courage to stand on your own two feet, to argue your case, to be an advocate for yourself and for those less fortunate.
Beef Tongue – With Speech 101 and oral presentations in other classes, college has empowered your tongue to speak in that erudite mooing demanded by employers and educated groups. And with the tongue being the strongest of all muscles, college has also given you the strength to speak out in times of unfairness and misunderstanding.
Partially Defatted Beef Tissue – All butchers know carving lardy tissue away from meat will make a more attractive product. In the process of forcing you into attentiveness and focus, professors have carved away those undesirable thought processes and rendered you a lean, clean-thinking machine.
Water – the universal solvent of life, able to absorb and dissolve anything your life requires. As water adds highly inexpensive weight to a food product allowing marketers to charge more, college gives you a distinct advantage when negotiating salaries in the future.
Salt -Like the salty sailor, or anyone worth his salt, college has provided you experiences to collect into wisdom, empowering you to navigate rough seas even with only the stars to guide you.
Natural Flavorings -Amidst all the new ideas and all the new points of view, college has ensured you to remember nurturing your own culture and personal history for all to savor.
Dried Garlic – Now that you’ve survived the exams, speeches, term papers, and other blood-lettings, college has injected you with a bit of garlic to keep future vampires away.
Sodium Erythrobate and Sodium Nitrite – Like any good food product prepared adequately for the long haul, college adds these preservatives to ensure your longevity and stability.
So, to always remember what college has done for you, run to your neighborhood supermarket and pick up few cans of the potted metaphor. Carry one with you everywhere you go.
