Last week, the first cool North wind of the season arrived. It was only a five mile per hour wind, but it nonetheless arrived, just late enough to remind us that the people who decided autumn should begin on Sept. 21 never lived in southern Louisiana. The first cool North wind of the fall also reminds us that lovebug swarms are dead, football is in high-gear and the dog-days of summer are ending. But why so fast? If you’ve been keen to the news recently, you’ll realize it’s actually great to be a dog these days.
Take for example “Trouble,” an elderly Maltese terrier that was once house pet to the late billionaire hotelier, Leona Helmsley. A kennel-standard Maltese has long, luxurious, silky white fur over most of its body, except for the underbelly, which is naked like an armadillo’s. An ancient and sometimes aggressive breed, Trouble was the perfect pet for the ancient and aggressive Helmsley, known as “the Queen of Mean” for her petulant and tyrannical behavior against employees, not to mention the greedy eviction of her grandchildren and widowed daughter-in-law. Eighteen years before her death this past August, Helmsley spent 21 months in federal prison for fraud and tax evasion. Because Trouble (the dog) had been the least of her troubles (the frauds), it (the dog) was bequeathed $12 million in Helmsley’s will.
Of course, to a pet dog nothing can fill the void left by the loss of an owner, but $12 million sure can make shopping at PetSmart fun!
Trouble is now one of the richest dogs in the world. Twelve million dollars is more than Old Yeller, Rin Tin Tin, Fluke and all the Lassies put together have made in their cinematic lifetimes. Among the Hollywood hounds, only Wishbone, because of royalties from his retelling the classics series, and Frankenweenie, due to a pain and suffering settlement with his surgeons, have a higher net worth than Helmsley’s dog.
Take for another example certain former canine detainees of recent Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick. Not only have these dogs won their freedom, but, as part of the settlement, courts have ruled they must now be rehabilitated and retrained. With their strong physiques and knowledge of fighting techniques, court-appointed acting coaches are currently training the former Vick-bull terriers for an upcoming Disney film, a canine take on the 2000 Russell Crowe Film “Gladiator,” purportedly starring Helmsley’s Maltese as the despised Caesar-dog, Commodus.
Resolution of the Vick issue goes far beyond salvation of his own dog pens, however. The Humane Society was on the donation end of an eBay auction for 22 Michael Vick football cards,which had been chewed up and slobbered over by two Missouri dogs. Interestingly, the winning bid of $7,400 is $7,400 more than Helmsley bequeathed to two of her grandchildren.
It’s also good to be a dog because all of the 2.4 million bits of information comprising your DNA is now known. Four years after the complete human genome sequence is published, now we have the dog’s, which was recently published. A whole 5 percent of those 2.4 million bits of information is a perfect match to human’s. The other 95 percent in humans explains why it’s so difficult to train us to stay, fetch, roll over and eat roughage.
Discovered in that five percent however are genes that cause the same diseases in dogs and humans – another good reason to be a dog today. Because these disease genes have been proven the same, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is including dog health care in her prospective universal health plan. Not to be outdone, Republicans are quick to point out that the fraud and evasion case against Helmsley was successfully prosecuted by then U.S. Attorney Rudy Giuliani, who is now a Republican presidential candidate. Not a species known for its involvement in party politics, dogs appear to be in a win-win situation in the 2008 election.
So, right now is a really good time to be a dog, even an underdog. Just ask Appalachian State, Stanford, Kentucky and even the Saints. It’s even a better time for us here at 13th-ranked Nicholls because it’s Homecoming week. Take that, you sixth-ranked Cowboys!
