It is 2:30 in the morning. After a case of self-induced insomnia caused by studying for finals, you walk to the fridge to grab some leftover pizza and a Coke. You then sit down to watch television, hoping to find something of quality, maybe a good old movie or some music videos. To your bewilderment you are greeted with some has-been sitcom star turned huckster trying to shamelessly sell you some ridiculous product. Welcome to the bizarre world of infomercials. The infomercial is a strange mutant of American culture, a hybrid yuppie-new age freak show. It exists in a tacky parallel universe filled with thigh masters, tanning creams, food dehydrators and countless receding hairlines waiting to be sprayed upon.
The history of the infomercial is vague. It seems to have been born in the materialistic `80s with the advent of cable. In any case, the sinister CEO that came up with the idea of a thirty-minute commercial must have been one demented dude.
The strangest thing about infomercials are the overeager, hyperactive hosts. The most well known are celebrities such as the fitness instructor with the frizzy fro, Richard Simmons. Cher has peddled countless products, and Suzanne Sommers is notorious for her thigh master.
Then there are the never-has-beens like Dick Van Patten, the former star of the better left forgotten sitcom “Eight is Enough.” Patten hosts “Magic Tricks with Dick Van Patten,” which offers to teaches lame magic tricks in order to impress friends and the opposite sex.
In another infomercial “Jeffersons” and “Star Wars” bit player Billy Dee Williams, who hosts the Psychic Readers Network (not to be confused with Dionne Warwicks equally ridiculous Psychic Friends Network).
For total wackiness, nothing beats the lesser known characters of the infomercial world. For instance, Jay “The Juiceman” Kordich who promotes the Juiceman 2 Automatic Juice Extractor. Jay seems to be a walking advertisement for the product, since he is a man around 70 who has the energy of an overactive 20-something year old. He sports sneakers and a jogging suit. He has ultra-white hair and looks like he uses the tanning cream offered in other commercials.
If anything could be odder than the hosts, it’s the products. The perfect example is Rejuvenique: The Ultimate Facial Toning System. Rejuvenique is an extremely creepy looking mask that allegedly uses electric currents to tighten facial muscles, thus preventing the saggy face that come with old age. The product is peddled by former “Dynasty” star Linda Evans, who compares the mask to “Phantom of the Opera.” Maybe it’s a little more like Jason off of “Friday the 13th.”
As the night grows longer, the infomercials increasingly become weirder. After staying up into the wee hours of the morning, one wonders if the surreal infomercials are real or hallucinations caused by sleep deprivation. You finally decide that it’s time to some shut-eye, but first you need to order that Torso Tiger and Pasta Maker.
