The past week has not only brought us November-which signals cooler days, the end of school nearing and cane truck traffic-but also some furtively interesting phenomena around the world. For instance, have you noticed that everything this week seems to be happening an hour earlier than they did last week? Did you notice that some of your professors are still wearing their Halloween costumes? Very furtive. And just in case you’ve missed these events because your deep entrenchment in study has blocked their inherent furtiveness, I’ll help you stay informed by summarizing some of the most furtive. Noticed the nighttime sky? If you look up in the clear November skies tonight and view something that looks like a fudge of eye wax in the northeast about 45 degrees above the horizon, it’s not a fudge of your eye wax. Instead, it’s a fudge of debris from Comet 17P/Holmes, which has recently exploded. Scientists like Dr. Chad Young speculate the comet exploded due to collapsing sinkholes in its nucleus, much like the sinkholes on the bayou-bound lane of Audubon Drive. Unlike those on Audubon, however, at night you can see 17P/Holmes with the naked eye-that’s an eye that has been wiped free of wax.
Did you notice that LSU is the number one football team in the country-not in the polls but rather in practicality? How many other teams can lose a football game three different times-once to turnovers, once to 130 yards in penalties and once to a crop of near-sided officials who left their eyeglasses at the Tuscaloosa Lounge on “Refs Drink Free Friday”-and still end up with more points than the opponent? Practically speaking, that’s three victories to only one for Ohio State.
Notice how effortlessly the Saints amassed 500 yards of offense last Sunday? Notice how many linebackers for Jacksonville were furtively suspended for that game?
Ever notice that some bottled water labels furtively state “Source: Texas Municipal Water Supply”?
Have you noticed that last week’s November’s beginning ushered in National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month? One famous and not-so-furtive PB lover was Elvis Presley, whose coronary-clotting sandwiches are the stuff of legend. Imagine slaps of PB spread thickly over two slices of high-quality white bread surrounding sliced bananas and grilled on both sides in butter? Ever notice how digesting one makes you want to jump into a sequined, white polyester winged jumpsuit and sing “Viva Las Vegas”?
Ever notice the aroma of decomposing bagasse when you drive around Raceland? Ever notice how people furtively check the bottom of their shoes in response?
Did you notice that earlier this week protesting lawyers in Islamabad, Pakistan were tear-gassed and clubbed by Pakistani police? This is precisely why Shakespeare’s works are banned in that country. The lawyers were protesting the recent suspension of the Pakistani constitution by President (and General) Pervez Musharraf’s in advance of a Supreme Court ruling on whether his recent election as president was legal. Did you notice that the same thing happened in the U.S. in 2000, except that the people were clubbed by hanging chads?
Did you notice that the New England Patriots, who earlier this year were caught and fined by the NFL for video theft of other teams defensive play-calling, are accusing the Indianapolis Colts of piping in recorded noise during the game to deafen opponent’s offensive play-calling? Have you noticed how “play-calling” sounds furtively similar to “name-calling”?
Ever notice that Dollar General Stores sell Armour Star Potted Meat with labels featuring “Dollar General Store” logo?
Did you notice that Hollywood writers are on strike? Not only will Letterman and Leno go into reruns, but Katie Couric and other evening news teams will have to resort to report and not invent news. Interestingly, the infamously creative Dan Rather was spotted crossing the picket line yesterday, apparently scabbing for a job. Hollywood writers are expecting residuals on DVD and other electronic use of their material, despite the fact that most electronic use is free or pirated and that all DVDs ultimately end up in the 99 cents bin at Walmart. When you see picket signs on Bob Hope Drive gate, across from Johnny Carson Park, in Burbank, California, stating, “Writers Guild of America on Strike,” don’t fear: Term paper writers belong to a different union.
Did you notice that the semester is furtively passing by and that as of today there’s only eleven days of classes remaining? After this hits you, notice how you’re furtively heading to the kitchen for peanut butter and bananas and sliced bread?
