Following last week’s column featuring the new NFL statistics I proposed, Commissioner Bud Selig called my office to tell me he liked all my ideas and they’d be good for the game. To be fair, however, not everyone shared his enthusiasm. In fact, some angry man named Roger Goodell also called my office last week, blabbing about impersonation and infringement. I put him on hold and, a whole week later, the “Hold” light on my phone is still blinking. In the meantime, I have more improvements to suggest. Because the Commissioner thinks the new stats are such good ideas, then I’ll embellish them with some new rules as well.
Plant Mascots. If teams can occasionally change their uniform designs, then they can change their mascot occasionally as well. Just like animals, plants can be fierce organisms, and there should be more than one team in the NFL burdened with such a mascot. Let’s consider the Chicago Berries, the Washington Red Beans, the Seattle Seaweed, the Arizona Cacti, the Cincinnati Begonias, the Philadelphia Fly Traps, the San Diego Sweet Navels, the St. Louis Hops, the Pittsburg Peelers, the Atlanta Dogwood and the Miami Weed. That’ll teach the rest of the league how it feels to be the New Orleans Fighting French Lily Symbols!
The Partial Credit Field Goal. You get partial credit on your exams, so why not kickers on field goals? If you’re a kicker (like I was), you understand first-hand the depressing outlook for your performance measurement when it depends on air temperature, wind direction and the Saturday night drinking habits of the second-string quarterback who has to place and hold perpendicular to the ground a rapidly snapped football he can only see when he uncrosses his eyes. I propose a new goal post with not one, but three pair of uprights: A team will earn the traditional three points if a kick falls between the inner set of uprights, two points between the middle set, and one point between the outer set. This way, only kickers with Saturday night drinking habits will leave the field (and their team) empty-footed. Besides, seeing a big fork in the end zone can only help concession sales.
Five-Yard Penalty for Unintentional Holding. Any offensive lineman (like I was between kicks) will tell you all holding is really unintentional anyway, so why penalize the whole team ten yards? And there’s an “Unintentional Facemask” penalty, so why not a similar penalty for holding? I say
if a lineman’s stubby finger happens to get caught in a defensive end’s game day jewelry, or if a bundle of dreadlocks accidentally gets tangled in his tightly clenched fist, then it’s not wholly the lineman’s fault. Five yards is plenty.
No Imaginary First down Line. Without this computer-generated line superimposed on television broadcasts, fewer multi-millionaire running backs will trip over it.
Hair Affairs. No network should employ more than two commentators with weird hair. I think the Fox network should sell the contract of one of its Sunday broadcast team – Terry “Bald Craw” Bradshaw, Howie “Eraser Head” Long, and Jimmy “Extra-Hold” Johnson – to CBS, then maybe that over-groomed team of Marino, Sharpe and Season will finally get interesting and earn ratings.
Mugging Penalty. Ever seen a slow motion replay of a tackle so intense the ball pops right out of a receiver’s or a running back’s arms? Ever heard one? Such a body hit causing a fumble is one thing, but, to me, a would-be tackler using his hands to rip the football from a ball carrier’s arms after possession is established is not causing a fumble. He’s causing a mugging. Let’s award an automatic first down from the spot of the mugging foul. If a tackler wants to attempt a purse snatching, then he can do that outside the stadium.
Bungee Chin Straps. Have you noticed the epidemic of helmets flying off this season? Perhaps these breakaway chinstraps are a way to prevent serious neck injuries, as if continuing to play without a helmet is not a risk for a serious skull crack. The high-elasticity chinstraps I propose would absorb the tensional stress imparted by a tackler while keeping the helmet at least somewhere near and therefore somewhat protecting the ball carrier’s head. In addition, if you ever get Randy Moss, Mike Vanderjagt or Tyrell Owens on your team, a casual tug and release of the chinstrap means a few moments of peace until the lip swelling recedes.
No Yellow Penalty Flag. Referees should instead throw glitter. This will get Disney-age children unafraid to watch the games, hoping that the big, angry, fighting men will have happy thoughts next time the ball is snapped.
Speaking of happy thoughts, my phone just stopped blinking.
