Nicholls State punked all on-campus residents last week by administering a faux housing plan. While we were sharpening our axes and girding our loins, the dean and Ashton Kutcher were behind the scenes smoking stogies and chuckling at our naivety. Of course the new point system was just Nicholls’ way of giving us a wedgie because it was April Fools Day! Actually, it’s still March, but everyone knows you don’t pull an April Fools gag on the actual April Fools Day. That’s a rookie mistake and Ashton may be a lot of things – highly fashionable, an actor of mediocre caliber, Demi’s baby daddy, etc. – but he is no rookie at the pranking game.

We are not going to stoop down to the level of hiring anyone to do our dirty work. In fact, I’m extra pissed that Nicholls hired Ashton in light of the recent budget cuts. Here I am roughing it, eating barbeque sauce and gravy-smothered French fries as a dinner entrée in our cafeteria, while Nicholls is “making it rain” on C-list celebrities just to muster a laugh or two.

The world doesn’t revolve around anyone except me and I’m sure you feel the same. Therefore, we are entitled to the final laugh in this skirmish. Let’s step up this April Fools Day and throw some ridiculous shenanigans at “the man.”

On April 1st, I plan on littering the library’s computer lab with signs stating that students must pay four cents per sheet of paper printed out for classwork purposes. Nicholls will be infuriated by even the notion that students would have to pay in order to print out class assignments!

On the way out, I’ll post a notice on the front door of the library that reads “Closed at 9 p.m. on Weekdays.” If that doesn’t have campus police on the scene in seconds, I’ll be shocked.

After that, my posse and I will sleuth on over to the Quad and ignite the eternal flame. Nicholls’ energy fees will skyrocket overnight. Got em’!

I urge all of you to do your part Wednesday, April 1st. Use your heavenly bestowed intellect to conjure something ludicrous. Remember, they hosed us first. This is only redemption.

Also, heads up. Nicholls will likely issue a statement declaring that an on-campus recreational center will be built in the near future. Don’t fall for that one; it’s been getting us for the last five years.