In the doldrums of my 10-hour flight to England this summer, I flipped through the pages of Sky Mall – that shopping magazine located between the barf bag and the laminated instructions on how to jump out of the plane – and noticed lots of items perfect for college student life. Appropriately, then, at the beginning of the semester (while you still have spending money), here is my Top Ten List of Sky Mall Recommendations for the fall 2007 semester:
1. Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker ($49.95)
Imagine a simple, white toaster with specially shaped slots for two weenies and two buns. This combination appliance and conversation piece comes equipped with a time setting, allowing you to scald weenies and buns to the diverse taste preferences of you and all your guests.
2. Rat Zapper Ultra ($54.99) You don’t have to share your college room any longer with thoses mammals that don’t pay rent. The Zapper chamber’s “advanced electronic technology” runs off four AA batteries (not included) and offers a quick yet deadly shock. Use this “safe and humane way” to eliminate rodents and never again endure a rodent screaming “bloody murder” after eating d-CON pellets.
3. Wave Ceptor Atomic Watch ($350.00)
No more guessing the time in Gouaux Hall when you’re in Peltier Hall! These wristwatches are adjusted daily by a radio signal from the U.S. Atomic Clock transmitter in Fort Collins, Colo. It’s great for campus, but not for airplanes, trains or federal buildings.
4. Slumber Sleeve Pillow ($19.95)
Wear this inflatable sheath around your biceps, lower your weary head and take a nap at your favorite classroom desk. Fully adjustable for size and comfort. Comes in a variety of skin tones, together with three indelible markers to simulate your tattoos. Not recommended for body builders.
5. Eight-Day Automatic Pet Feeder ($69.99)
Microprocessor-controlled canister holds 96 ounces of dry dog or cat food and automatically dispenses specified servings into a tray according to your pre-programmed schedule. Also great for your Honey Nut Cheerios. (However, not guaranteed against raccoons.)
6. “Keep Your Distance” Telescoping Bug Vacuum ($49.95)
No more calls to campus police for unreachable wasps, flies, bees and spiders in your dorm room. This lightweight, cordless, handheld vacuum’s 2-foot long nozzle extends from a 22,400 RPM motor that pulls bugs through a one-way valve and onto an electric grid. Will also retrieve your roommate’s dirty laundry from a safe distance.
7. Remote Control Golf Ball ($39.95)
Who cares if there’s no time for tee-time till you are a second-semester senior! This slim, hand-held remote control will send even Tiger Wood’s putts drifting inexplicably. Works on chalk, too, so when your favorite professor drifts inexplicably you can startle him back on topic.
8. World’s Largest CD Storage Tower ($349.99)
Holds 2,250 CDs. The heavy-duty, laminated wood-composite structure comes in five colors and, at 6-by-6, can nicely disguise the Sheetrock your former roommate moshed through.
9. Chicken Wing Snack Caddy ($14.99)
This large, doughnut-shaped serving tray has two tiers-an upper tier to hold your hot wings and a hidden lower tier to hide the bones, so no one will know how many wings you actually devoured. Simply toss the sticky bones in the central opening, and they’re lost from the sight of the other guests. After the party, simply flip the tray over, and let your pet dog enjoy a nice, crunchy, calcium-rich feast. Dishwasher (but not raccoon) safe.
10. Dermaseptic Electronic Microbe Zapper ($99.95)
This finger-held, microprocessor-controlled antiseptic device zaps and eliminates emerging warts and fever blisters with silver ions and without side effects. For 50 bucks more, the Zapper Plus model can zap your lips with gold ions, which are not as effective at disrupting the herpes labialis virus, but it won’t clash with the gold fillings in your beautiful smile, which, when you’re infected, is on what polite people try to concentrate.
Getting all ten items on my list will put you out $1,099.71. But you can feel better about your spending by also purchasing item number 11, the EnRon-WorldCom Advanced Financial Calculator (discounted by court order at $2.95, including batteries) and checking my arithmetic.
