As if we don’t have enough war with which to concern ourselves, we are now facing the prospect of a new armed conflict in Western Europe. Last Thursday morning, as The Nicholls Worth readers closely followed the review of Eddie Murphy’s defeat at the Academy Awards, news just as alarming reached these shores: Switzerland had invaded its neighboring country, Liechtenstein. That’s right – Switzerland -land of chocolate, cheese and watches. The place with the Matterhorn, Alps and lots of skiing. The place that boasts one of the highest standards of living and highest life expectancies in the world.
That’s right— – Liechtenstein -land of… what?! The place that’s the sixth smallest nation in size and fourth smallest in population. The place that’s divided into one major city and 11 villages.
What do the Liechtensteiners have that the Swiss want? A few more Alps? Another 62 square miles of territory? The one hospital in the whole country?
Switzerland, of course, is that country which survived the 20th century by staying out of the World Wars. I guess last week the Swiss military opened up a dictionary and realized that “neutral” had multiple usages, as in “neutrality” during a conflict and “neutralizing” your neighbor.
Liechtenstein also remained neutral during the World Wars, which is a clever thing to do when you have no army. Maybe there’s some “neutral envy” between the two countries.
Another envy might be banking. Due to business-friendly laws, 75,000 international businesses, holding companies and foundations give Liechtenstein as their mailing address. That’s a whole lot of P.O. boxes for a country of just 37,000 residents. This friendliness dramatically cuts into Switzerland’s gross national product by reducing demand for its primary export – the Swiss bank account.
To be fair, however, we should note that quiet, little Liechtenstein has become quite testy in the past few years. One day its crown prince, Hans-Adam II, took his new toy – a GIS unit – out to the Alps with the royal lawyers and surveyors, declared his nation’s boundaries were wrong and proceeded to carve one-third of a square mile out of Austria. On behalf of his nation, he recently took Germany to international court, suing for $1 billion in art and properties illegally taken during World War II. Germany in-turn disclosed from its secret electronic interceptors in the Black Forest that some Liechtenstein bank transactions were in fact launderings of money from international mafia and drug cartels. Liechtenstein in-turn undertook sweeping banking reforms, freezing many existing accounts, disallowing new anonymous accounts and disrupting black markets – as well as powdery white ones – around the world. Finally, just last year, after Liechtenstein celebrated its 200 years of sovereignty following dissolution of Holy Roman Empire in 1806, Austria and Switzerland complained the fireworks were too noisy.
Perhaps the worst insult to the community came when the Liechtenstein’s soccer team started to win matches. No longer the whipping boy of the past, Liechtenstein had the audacity to win two games in the past decade, against Luxembourg and Azerbaijan.
Any of these irritations could have sparked the Swiss action. But I, however, have another theory.
About this time last year, the Liechtenstein parliament passed a new law that dramatically affects the way the nation’s farmers graze their animals. Yes, aside from the mountains, the really big post office, the banks and the royal palace, there is some land set aside for grazing. Apparently, a new economy was burgeoning in the mild alpine valleys amongst the village dairy farmers, and exports of their unique products were bringing in tasty although unregulated profits. It wasn’t until traces of hashish- the resin of Cannabis plants- were found in milks and cheeses deriving from Liechtenstein valleys that the government declared grazing cows on hemp was thenceforth illegal.
Sure it’s illegal, but exactly how many police officers or undercover cows does Liechtenstein have?
So, the world can easily envision a battalion of Swiss troupes with the little scissors in their army knives drawn and at the ready quietly making their way through the border forests to the Liechtenstein valleys en route to conquering the now-prized grazing lands.
The official Swiss government line on the invasion is this: During infantry exercises a company commander lost his bearings during a storm last Wednesday night, inadvertently leading his 171 men across the border for about one mile before sounding the retreat.
But why were the Swiss drilling infantry so near the border of an innocent, army-less nation? And why did one Swiss soldier say to a CNN reporter covering the invasion, “We just wanted a bit of fresh milk, dude.” Apparently, cheese is not the only thing in Switzerland with holes.
So what are we to call this historic action? We could call it the “Second War of Austrian Succession,” but Austria – the other Liechtenstein neighbor – had no time to join the fun. We could call it the “100 Minutes War,” but that’s a common nickname for 1991’s Desert Sword. I think “War of the Cows” sounds right for this.
Interestingly, Wal-Mart stock was up last week on news of the release of a new product: a waterproof, lighted compass with retractable scissors tool. When in Switzerland and those night hungers get you, you never know where you might end up.
