As the new semester begins, I think it’s time to clear up the USC talk in college football before I make my case to be the new Saints general manager.First of all, let me start out by saying that all of the talk about USC being a three-peat is nonsense. The last time I checked, USC only had one shiny crystal ball in their trophy case. Therefore, I think it’s safe to say USC’s so-called dynasty ends in a one-peat.
Now that I have that rant out the way, it’s time to talk about a more serious matter: my future in the Saints organization.
I’d like to clear up the rumor that I will be the next Saints general manager. This rumor is indeed true.
When I contacted the money-hungry Tom Benson last month, he hung up on me.
After countless phone calls and voice-mail messages on his then-San Antonio answering machine, he finally picked up and told me “You have 30 seconds before I call the police.”
In those mere 30 seconds, I may have caught his attention by offering to work for $70,000 a year.
After buying Benson lunch at a nearby Hooter’s, a deal was struck and I was given a one-year contract to take full control of the team.
I shook his hand and with a smirk on my face gave the whole “I won’t let you down” speech.
I know everybody’s wondering what happened to Mickey Loomis, the current Saints GM. Well, I gave him the entire season off. The last I heard, he was desert skiing in Santa Fe.
Although my official first day on the job wasn’t until this past Monday, I’ve already been eyeing the potential free-agent and draft market, and the process of interviewing potential head coaching candidates has already begun.
Topping my lists of coaching candidates is Norm Chow. The current offensive coordinator for the Tennessee Titans could be the perfect fit once we draft Matt Linehart.
If my Chow idea falls through, I’ll bring in Mike Sherman who’ll likely bring Brett Favre in to fill the seats. With Favre at the helm the Saints are sure to pack a stadium every week.
Another top candidate on my list is former Nicholls Worth sports editor Chris Singleton. Singleton’s knowledge of football is just what the Saints need, and for the right price I’m sure he’ll be happy to take the Saints to the promised land. Perhaps Singleton can double as the offensive coordinator and include the triple-option offense into the Saints system to really throw opponents off.
The team needs a new start, so my nominee for defensive coordinator is the legendary Mike Detillier. Think about it, I couldn’t think of anyone else who would want the Saints to win more. In fact, to save money I’ll make him our college scout and physical therapist. Detillier can provide us the inside info this team needs to be successful.
As far as free agents go, I think Justin Martin, Lagniappe editor/offensive lineman/safety, and Clyde Verdin, sports writer/backup quarterback/kicker, are the best available. These two hard-nosed players have never once stepped onto a football field, but once we snatch them up it’ll be the perfect story line for a made-for-TV movie.
In addition to signings I’ll also make a trade. I’ll give up any of our linebackers to the Chicago Bears for former Colonels cornerback Chris Thompson. Although he was never given a chance to prove himself, I believe the second-year vet makes the perfect addition to the previously sluggish Saints defense.
Looking ahead into the draft, I think it’s obvious that I’ll take Linehart with the second pick. This guy’s ability is amazing and he will be the savior of the Saints after learning from crafty vets Favre and Verdin.
With the rest of the picks, I would draft any available Nicholls players possible. I believe that the Saints are lacking heart, but I know that if I draft the entire Colonels football senior class, that I’ll have enough heart on this team to win the Super Bowl and put us in the history books.
Even though it’s still early in my tenure, anyone can clearly see that I have a bright future in store for the Saints.
I will make it a solemn point to keep the Saints in Louisiana, even if it means relocating them to Vacherie or Morgan City.
The dreams I have for this team go beyond this editorial, but as general manager I have to take it one step at a time.
