One of the great mysteries of life is what to get a college student for Christmas. And based on the holidays just past, you know it’s a mystery but you just can’t figure out why it’s a great one. It’s the thought that counts, you tell yourself, but you just can’t figure out the thought. So now you’re back at college with shopping bags full of superfluous gifts collected during the holidays, as if you had space to stuff more things into your room or apartment or cell. Where to put a third clock? Where to hang a fourth calendar? Where to stash a fifth of whiskey? Or, more frustratingly, what to do with a Chia Pet?
Other than at Christmastime, most people just don’t think much about Chia Pets, and that’s probably a healthy thing. On the other hand, Chia Pets don’t think much about people, despite the implication that they’re “pets,” which implies that they’re animals, which implies that they have brains capable of at least some degree of thoughtfulness (despite how your dog behaves when it’s hungry).
Chia Pets are actually small, decorative, handmade planters, upon which pastes of tiny seeds sprout to form a tuft-sort of like Hair Club for small, decorative, handmade planters. The planters are molded into different animal shapes, like the popular Chia Sheep, with its rippling cords of Chia leaves, or the Chia Nutria, which was discontinued because it would eat its own growth.
The first commercial Chia Pet was the ram, with tiny fronds emerging from the decorative, coiled horns of the animal. The spiral foliage was a major inspiration for George Lucas, who modeled Princess Leah’s famous hairdo after Chia Ram growth.
The sprouts of the Chia Pet are plants of the species Salvia columbariae, which is a member of the mint family. Legend has it that a band of extinct Native Americans known as the Chiamatcha would dry then smoke the tiny leaves as a recreation. It would take a man three days to roll enough dried Salvia leaves to stuff a single pipe. It’s really hard to get loaded this way, which is the likely explanation for extinction.
Despite your initial frustrations and disgust, a Chia Pet is actually useful to a college student. Instead of studying, it’s fun to watch Chia Pets grow. In fact, take your Chia to class with you-watching it grow will help pass the time. In between classes when you get real hungry, just place a pinch of Chia between your cheek and gums and, after a couple of gag reflexes, your hunger simply goes away. And, in addition to getting a little Vitamin K and a little fiber, you can honestly tell your mom that you’ve been eating your greens.
Finally, receiving a Chia Pet is an important right-of-passage in one’s life. It empowers you to repay society by giving Chia Pets to other people you really, really care about. For this reason, Chia International invented the Chia Professor-which is a small bust resembling Einstein upon which Chia will grow at the temples and moustache. The Chia Prof is a little more expensive than the Chia Ram and other Chia Pets, especially if you buy it in the bookstore. But, really and truly, it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?
