Remember when you were in second grade, and you thought your daddy was the greatest man alive? He could solve any problem and fix anything that was broken. Or how you looked up to your tee-ball coach because you thought he or she was the strongest person in the world? Chuck Norris was my greatest man that could solve any problem and fix anything that was broken when I was a child. Sure, this may seem odd, but I tell no lies.
In the second grade, a friend and I would drool over Chuck Norris every time we watched “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Most would claim this to be strange for eight-year-olds, and I agree, but we thought he was the sexiest, manliest man on the face of the earth.
We would walk home from our catechism classes at around 6 o’clock, excited to watch an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” As soon as we got in the house, we would head straight for one of our bedrooms and get this shoebox with holes in the lid. This shoebox contained our most valued possession at the time.
Now, this is going to sound even crazier than me thinking Chuck Norris was sexy when I was eight-years-old, but since I have already told half of the story I will let the other disturbing half out as well.
In the box was a plastic mouse, yet another oddity. We had joint custody of this mouse because like I mentioned before, it was one of our most valued possessions.
The plastic mouse’s name was Chuck. Chuck Norris if you want to be exact, and I am sure that was not a bit of a surprise to you. He was the greatest mouse that we ever had.
We would sit on the floor in front of the television side by side with our pet Chuck while we watched our long-awaited episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger.”
Why did two eight-year-olds hold a strong obsession for some hairy man with a lame name like Chuck? When I think of Chuck, I think of that corny, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck” tongue twister, not a man whose smile could captivate my eyes and heart for years.
Chuck Norris has mad martial arts skills. He has won so many martial arts awards and has taught so many people how to karate chop various objects. That, my friend, is a major plus when looking for a good man to settle down with. He is someone who can protect whoever and whatever with a single move: the roundhouse kick.
The roundhouse kick alone is a sexy martial arts move. His roundhouse kicks do not really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Maybe that is not true, but imagine that it was.
Not only is he an expert in martial arts, but he is also involved with many organizations like the United Way, Make-a-Wish Foundation, and he started Kick-Start, his own foundation.
Okay, maybe his involvement with such organizations is not a conventional turn-on for an eight-year-old, but now that I am older, I find this to be very impressive. A man with a great rsum definitely meets my standards.
Chuck Norris has a nicely-toned body. Have you ever seen his Total Gym infomercials? Wow. Along with being slightly amusing, his body is absolutely amazing and was chiseled to perfection by God. I thought that old men shriveled with age, but Chuck Norris is proof that old men in their sixties still have it going on.
I do not know the exact reasons why I found Chuck Norris so attractive or why I generally loved him so much. It has been 12 years since then, and that information is unfortunately no longer remembered.
I think his manly beard plays a big role in my obsession. Did you know that there is not a chin underneath his beard? Crazy, I know, but there is actually another fist. It could be the fact that when he goes to donate blood he declines the syringe and instead requests a handgun and a bucket. Alright, that is obviously not true, but Chuck Norris is without a doubt, the man.
