Now that the torture of hearing Clyde ramble about the Seahawks is over, everyone can read the “real” article about why the Steelers will win the big one. Grab some Cheetos, sit back, and enjoy the lesson I’m about to teach the sportswriter-in-training.Let me start by saying when it comes to sports, my comrade Clyde is the bug and I am the windshield of the 1993 Chevy Blazer driven by none other than me.
It seems that Mr. Know-it-all in the column next to me claims to have all the answers as to why the Seahawks will in his words “hand down the worst beatings in Super Bowl history,” but apparently he just never learns. In fact I’m so ashamed I will now refer to Clyde as Mr. X throughout the rest of my article.
Seriously, the Seahawks? Exactly what is a Seahawk? Well, if you really must know a Seahawk actually isn’t a bird. I think it has to do with a naval plane or something like that but who really cares, I mean the Steelers are all but guaranteed a win anyway.
We all know that Shaun Alexander is the leading rusher in the NFL but Mr. Alexander never met a force like Joey Porter. Just ask Peyton Manning, Jon Kitna and Jake “The Mountain Man” Plummer. Porter’s 57 tackles and average 10.5 sacks lead all Steelers on the dreaded steel curtain defense.
Also, I might add that the Pittsburgh defense is ranked fourth in the NFL while Mr. X’s seabirds are tied for 16th. Not exactly strength in numbers if you ask me.
Imagine the 16th-ranked defense trying to stop a 255-pound “Bus” known as Jerome Bettis. I just don’t see it happening. If by some miracle they manage to slow down the bus the Steelers will utilize the smaller but faster Willie Parker. And let’s not forget about Hines Ward, whose 975 yards and 11 touchdowns should not go unnoticed.
Okay. So offensively my Steelers are at a disadvantage, but like the old saying goes, “defense wins championships” and the Steelers’ defense is what’s gotten them this far.
Not to say that our offense is too shabby. Second year quarterback “Big” Ben Roethlisberger has seen his share of success, throwing for 2,385 yards with 17 touchdowns and only nine interceptions. His quarterback rating of 98.6 is third behind Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning, two quarterbacks, I might add, that he beat.
No one, including myself, predicted Pittsburgh to win one game in the playoffs-much less three.
Matt “Balding Guy” Hasselback has a quarterback rating of 98.2, which last time I checked is less than the 98.6 of “Big” Ben.
I have no hatred towards Mr. X, but I’m out of his league. It’s obvious that X has learning to do, but don’t worry-I’ll get him into shape before long. It may cause him to shed a few tears, but it’ll be for his own good.
Feel free to cheer for whomever you want. Just remember that when it’s all said and done and the Steelers are hoisting the Lombardi trophy, you Seahawks fans won’t be alone in your grief. There will be one other upset person in this world: Mr. X.
