It was Gertrude Stein who in 1913 wrote that “a rose is a rose is a rose,” thereby contributing to the dozens of long-stemmed lines about roses in English literature. Of course, Stein was infamous for being obscure and for using words for their sounds instead of meaning. So, nearly 100 years after the line appeared in print, we still have no idea what she meant-if anything-but it sure sounds good. Especially if you say it three times. Saying it twice is just not as effective. Maybe that’s the whole point about roses: We have no idea what giving and receiving them really means, but they sure look and smell good.

Because this is the last Nicholls Worth before Valentine’s Day 2007, I thought I might review some information about roses. I assume that roses will likely be the gift most often exchanged for the big Day this year: After all, once you realize that they contain far fewer calories and far more dietary fiber than chocolates, a gift of roses would be hard to beat in these weight-conscious times.

So, you can forget about getting late gifts for Groundhog’s Day, you can forget how forgetful the new Superbowl commercials were, and you can forget about parking close to class for the next few weeks. But don’t forget the following information about Valentine’s roses. Today, you become a Rose Scholar.

First, a lesson on colors. I’m confident that we all have a working knowledge of what it means to receive a red rose. To a human, it’s a gift meaning a true, deep, or lasting love. To a bull in Spain, it’s a gift meaning a true, deep, or lasting puncture.

White roses symbolize reverence, humility, or innocence. These elegant specimens typically don’t sell well on college campuses.

But the symbolism of red and white roses is easy to remember. It’s the other, more subtle colors that often confuse us, confuse the recipient, and sometimes cause trouble. For instance, yellow roses are unique looking, attractive, and a perfect setting for a sunshiny room on Valentine’s Day. You’ll probably find yellow roses inexpensive during this and other El Ni¤o winters because we ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when. When given for Valentine’s Day, you must be careful because historically a yellow rose has come to symbolize “dying love” or a desire to be “just friends.” In Texas, however, it’s an important state symbol with its own song. Apparently, Texans just want to be friends: Now we know what the “lone” in Lone Star State means.

There are a variety of pink roses with-just as you suspected-a variety of meanings. Light pink means “admiration” and dark pink means “gratitude.” It’s with the in-between pinks that things get interesting: Regular pink means “gentle feelings of love,” fluorescent pink means, “I’ll leave the light on for you, baby,” and Hot Pink is the title of a late 1970’s Marvin Gaye song that you’ll have to listen to on your own.

There are a number of unexpected rose colors, like orange, which is said to symbolize “passion.” Blue, green, purple, and black roses are said to say a number of different things, most frequently, “If you can’t afford a red rose, then just buy me some Hershey’s Kisses ’cause that’s the only kisses I’ma be wantin’ from you today.”

You might come across a number of variegated varieties of roses, like the yellow with red tips that symbolizes-as the two base colors suggest-friends falling in love. A white rose with red tips means “only the good die young” and a white with orange tips means “I wanna burn your playhouse down.” If you ever come across a black rose with red dots, it means that you’ve just found a nest of lovebugs: Close your mouth, breathe outward from your nose, and hide your car immediately.

Beyond color, floral scientists have developed new hybrids that express desired features of the rose and other flowering plants on the same plant. For instance, the “Axl Rose,” with its snake-like stem and long, hairy petals, is a cross between a rose and a cocoa plant. The “Rosie O’Donnell” is a prickly cross between a rose and a turnip. The “Pete Rose” has features of both a red rose and a clover, with the odds of getting a four-leaf variety at 50 to 1.

Perhaps the most innovative rose hybrid is the new “Venus Rosetrap,” a cross between an orange rose and the meat-eating Venus Flytrap, complete with hinged jaws with interlocking spikes. A legend immediately invented upon the hybrid’s appearance in floral shops that this flower is the source of hickies has no scientific basis.

So now you’ve got less than a week to figure out what colors of rose to give and what colors of rose to hope for. Now ladies, if you don’t receive the colors you were hoping for, then don’t despair: You must remember that 7% of males are genetically colorblind. Men, only 0.4% of females are colorblind, so if you receive the wrong color, then despair.

Shakespeare also contributed a long-stemmed line to our literature, with “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Remember more, however, that the doghouse never smells sweet. So, get your roses right, and thereby avoid thorny problems.